Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I knew I wouldn't be very good at this.

     Location) Kansas - Time) 11:15 p.m. - Mood) Negative

     I am going to be negative tonight, I am not going to do my normal steps of stating my mood, identifying the thinking error, and fixing it. I can do that, I can talk myself out of my negative moods (most of the time). But tonight, I am just not going to bother. I don't need any comments on the positive things, or saying "thats so sad, hang in there", right now, I just want to whine and bitch about how awful I feel for the way all my CF crap, and personal life shit effects others and just wallow in self pity for a moment because I feel guilty like its somehow all my fault.

     Nikki doesn't need all this. At all, period. She has so much on her own plate without my piles and piles of stress, let downs, and "to~do's". Nikkis family doesn't need me in it constantly worrying them about the mood Nikki is in or how her fiance/husband is doing. Sure, I can be a delight, but so could someone else who doesn't have all the health problems that I come with. Nikki has her own disease, a very serious and painful one. On top of disease in her own family,  and no family to speak of at all in the state that she lives, or easy transportation to even get to them that doesn't cost an arm and a leg, and hours of time. To go with it she's in love with a constant let down of a fiance. Who can't make the littlest plans without it all crapping out and never feeling well enough for "simple" trips to the store. A "man" who can barely go 1-2 months between hospital stays, whose idea of "progress" is having the energy and drive to shower everyday for a week.

     To go with, she comes from the most loving, close~knit, supportive family I've ever had the privilege to even remotely know. Who can drop their own problems at the drop of a hat and go bursting to the rescue for someone in need, even someone like me who isn't even an official member of the family yet. And only god~knows~why she believes she loves this pathetic specimen of a living creature sitting here at this keyboard enough to LEAVE that family, go state jumping, and enter a world she doesn't even begin to relate to.

    All I want to do is give her the world, yet all I feel I give her is 1000 pounds of pressure she doesn't even deserve.

     I love this girl with all my heart, and all I want her to be is happy and carefree........and she'll never be able to experience that with me. Right now I feel the most she'll ever get out of this relationship is a few months to a few years of hell~bound struggle, then widowed before the age of 29........

"They say some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue."

My life = 100% statue.


  1. Listen Spence.
    Don't trash yourself. You scored yourself an AMAZING girl. I know how you feel. I have Crohn's like Nikki, and sometimes...it just gets you down.
    True Love doesn't matter what you can give her- in her eyes, you are her world. She is not gonna leave you just for some battles- she is a strong girl herself. My aunt loved my uncle- she is now a widow. But my point is, she loved him despite the fact he was over 300 lbs with heart failure, diabetes, and every other health issue he had. She traveled with him all the way from Florida to NY. She stayed with him in the hospital. She was there for him to the very end.
    My point is not that you are gonna die and leave Nikki a widow. My point is that love looks past the health issues, and everything. If Nikki was superficial, she would have dumped you a long time ago.
    I give you all credit- let yourself rant and rage at the world and it's unfairness. I do it too. Often. It helps. I don't do it enough. But don't trash yourself. Clearly, you are like a million bucks to Nikki. She sees past anything.

    Feel better!

  2. Oh Spencer... You're perfectly justified in thinking those things, if I were in your situation I would as well and so I am not going to go and tell you all the positives and to just keep your head up. Everyone needs to vent. You need to let yourself feel your emotions sometimes, and I'm glad you used this outlet.
    Just know that I love you and you mean the world to me. Even though you might not be able to give me very many material things, nights out on the town or much spontaneity; Spencer your love and compassion towards me just radiates through and it is more than enough. <3

  3. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

    What Nikki really needs is someone who can give her the above, and I am sure you do much more than that! I know it must be really tough, but try and focus on the things you can give her.
    Relationships are ALWAYS give and take, they all require a lot of work no matter who you are. In your situation, it is much different than the average relationship and in some ways more challenging, but it can also be more rewarding.

  4. As my wife often says to me:

    "Who says you get a choice in how I feel about you? I don't feel sorry for you. I love you for the person that you are. The other stuff sucks, but we'll deal with it together."

    I don't know you or Nikki personally, but I'd wager she'd love you no matter where you are in life. I know we have different battles with CF, but the relationship stuff is on a similar level.

    Your fiancee said:

    "I love you and you mean the world to me...your love and compassion towards me just radiates through and it is more than enough. <3"

    That speaks volumes to me. You don't let that go. Not everyone finds that.

    So...be a statue for a while because you have every right to feel that way, but clean the $@#% off now and then. It doesn't matter how long it takes...You have things to do, M'boy. Try your best to get them done. That's all anyone can ask of you. And that all you can expect from yourself.

    Peaceful Things and Lots of Love