Location) Kansas - Time) 11:15 p.m. - Mood) Negative
I am going to be negative tonight, I am not going to do my normal steps of stating my mood, identifying the thinking error, and fixing it. I can do that, I can talk myself out of my negative moods (most of the time). But tonight, I am just not going to bother. I don't need any comments on the positive things, or saying "thats so sad, hang in there", right now, I just want to whine and bitch about how awful I feel for the way all my CF crap, and personal life shit effects others and just wallow in self pity for a moment because I feel guilty like its somehow all my fault.
Nikki doesn't need all this. At all, period. She has so much on her own plate without my piles and piles of stress, let downs, and "to~do's". Nikkis family doesn't need me in it constantly worrying them about the mood Nikki is in or how her fiance/husband is doing. Sure, I can be a delight, but so could someone else who doesn't have all the health problems that I come with. Nikki has her own disease, a very serious and painful one. On top of disease in her own family, and no family to speak of at all in the state that she lives, or easy transportation to even get to them that doesn't cost an arm and a leg, and hours of time. To go with it she's in love with a constant let down of a fiance. Who can't make the littlest plans without it all crapping out and never feeling well enough for "simple" trips to the store. A "man" who can barely go 1-2 months between hospital stays, whose idea of "progress" is having the energy and drive to shower everyday for a week.
To go with, she comes from the most loving, close~knit, supportive family I've ever had the privilege to even remotely know. Who can drop their own problems at the drop of a hat and go bursting to the rescue for someone in need, even someone like me who isn't even an official member of the family yet. And only god~knows~why she believes she loves this pathetic specimen of a living creature sitting here at this keyboard enough to LEAVE that family, go state jumping, and enter a world she doesn't even begin to relate to.
All I want to do is give her the world, yet all I feel I give her is 1000 pounds of pressure she doesn't even deserve.
I love this girl with all my heart, and all I want her to be is happy and carefree........and she'll never be able to experience that with me. Right now I feel the most she'll ever get out of this relationship is a few months to a few years of hell~bound struggle, then widowed before the age of 29........
"They say some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue."
My life = 100% statue.