Sunday, April 3, 2011

Mental Blocks

Anyone that knows me very well knows that I've always had a tough time not only with self motivation, but motivation in general. Here I am 22, on o2, and I can't seem to get it into my thick skull that if I don't change right now, I'll be dead before I know it. Its the same thing with exercise. I've let myself get to such a low point physically that exercise is really hard for me, the moment I start to push myself my mind goes into a panic and I am faced with my anxiety problems. Even tho I know I am doing myself no harm, my mind starts to tell me otherwise. It makes it dang near impossible for me to get the drive to get up off my butt and do what I know in my head I need to do. I know when I don't take care of myself, not only am I hurting myself, but all those that love me, especially Nikki. I love Nikki so much that I just want to take care of myself for her, I really do. But the moment that it comes down to it, I find I lack the strength to do it. She's tried and tried to get me going, she'll even exercise with me! I don't know what I can do to pull myself out of my own head long enough to do the exercises that will ultimately give me more years with her. I've tried TV, movies, music...nothing can fully distract me enough, and I HATE it. To make things worse, when I don't do it, I mentally beat myself up. I know I'm not perfect, but I feel like I've done nothing but let Nikki down. I want to change so badly for her, for myself, but mostly for her. I just wish I wouldn't make this so difficult for myself.....


  1. You just have to keep trying.. every single day. No giving up!!! One of these days you will be able to push through it.. But in the mean time you have to do what you are able and build yourself back up. you can do it in the hospital - I KNOW you can do it! I have 100% faith in you. Every day, just keep trying.

  2. Here's what you need to do.
    Forget everything you keep telling yourself. Past regrets, all of it. Like Raffiki says in Disney's The Lion King "it doesn't matter, it's in the past!" meaning, there is nothing you can do about what has already happened. But there is so much you can do for your future.
    It is hard. It is easier to sit there and blame ourselves for every little thing. It is very hard to move on. But the only way to move on is to start. You have the desire already, you know it all. The only thing holding you back is this one small thing - beating yourself up. It feels huge now, and it will be huge if you continue to do this. But trust me - once you start moving ahead, and DROP everything that you've said to yourself in the past, it is FAR easier to CONTINUE moving forward. This moment of your life will be small in comparison of the many great and beautiful things that will come from your life if you start making the choices you know you need to make to strengthen your health.

    I'm thinking of you and Nikki nearly every day and praying for you guys daily. You are loved and I wish I could be closer to you guys so I could visit.