Sunday, April 3, 2011

Mental Blocks

Anyone that knows me very well knows that I've always had a tough time not only with self motivation, but motivation in general. Here I am 22, on o2, and I can't seem to get it into my thick skull that if I don't change right now, I'll be dead before I know it. Its the same thing with exercise. I've let myself get to such a low point physically that exercise is really hard for me, the moment I start to push myself my mind goes into a panic and I am faced with my anxiety problems. Even tho I know I am doing myself no harm, my mind starts to tell me otherwise. It makes it dang near impossible for me to get the drive to get up off my butt and do what I know in my head I need to do. I know when I don't take care of myself, not only am I hurting myself, but all those that love me, especially Nikki. I love Nikki so much that I just want to take care of myself for her, I really do. But the moment that it comes down to it, I find I lack the strength to do it. She's tried and tried to get me going, she'll even exercise with me! I don't know what I can do to pull myself out of my own head long enough to do the exercises that will ultimately give me more years with her. I've tried TV, movies, music...nothing can fully distract me enough, and I HATE it. To make things worse, when I don't do it, I mentally beat myself up. I know I'm not perfect, but I feel like I've done nothing but let Nikki down. I want to change so badly for her, for myself, but mostly for her. I just wish I wouldn't make this so difficult for myself.....

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I knew I wouldn't be very good at this.

     Location) Kansas - Time) 11:15 p.m. - Mood) Negative

     I am going to be negative tonight, I am not going to do my normal steps of stating my mood, identifying the thinking error, and fixing it. I can do that, I can talk myself out of my negative moods (most of the time). But tonight, I am just not going to bother. I don't need any comments on the positive things, or saying "thats so sad, hang in there", right now, I just want to whine and bitch about how awful I feel for the way all my CF crap, and personal life shit effects others and just wallow in self pity for a moment because I feel guilty like its somehow all my fault.

     Nikki doesn't need all this. At all, period. She has so much on her own plate without my piles and piles of stress, let downs, and "to~do's". Nikkis family doesn't need me in it constantly worrying them about the mood Nikki is in or how her fiance/husband is doing. Sure, I can be a delight, but so could someone else who doesn't have all the health problems that I come with. Nikki has her own disease, a very serious and painful one. On top of disease in her own family,  and no family to speak of at all in the state that she lives, or easy transportation to even get to them that doesn't cost an arm and a leg, and hours of time. To go with it she's in love with a constant let down of a fiance. Who can't make the littlest plans without it all crapping out and never feeling well enough for "simple" trips to the store. A "man" who can barely go 1-2 months between hospital stays, whose idea of "progress" is having the energy and drive to shower everyday for a week.

     To go with, she comes from the most loving, close~knit, supportive family I've ever had the privilege to even remotely know. Who can drop their own problems at the drop of a hat and go bursting to the rescue for someone in need, even someone like me who isn't even an official member of the family yet. And only god~knows~why she believes she loves this pathetic specimen of a living creature sitting here at this keyboard enough to LEAVE that family, go state jumping, and enter a world she doesn't even begin to relate to.

    All I want to do is give her the world, yet all I feel I give her is 1000 pounds of pressure she doesn't even deserve.

     I love this girl with all my heart, and all I want her to be is happy and carefree........and she'll never be able to experience that with me. Right now I feel the most she'll ever get out of this relationship is a few months to a few years of hell~bound struggle, then widowed before the age of 29........

"They say some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue."

My life = 100% statue.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Awake at 5:30 a.m.

Why on Earth am I up this early and can't sleep? Stupid Ambien is supposed to last longer. But for now, I sit up and wait for the extra albuterol I asked for a half hour ago. I just got to thinking. Thinking about how CF always seems to get in the way of things. Here I am planning this wonderful trip to Kansas with my better than life fiance, and I catch a stupid flu. A flu that I try to fight off myself because I've been doing so well lately. Faster than the blink of an eye this flu takes me from 2L of o2 to 4L, then finishes out at 6L. I fight a constant fever for a week before waving my little white flag and taking myself to the ER to be hospitalized. Here they put me on humidified oxygen at 60% (no idea what that correlates to liter wise). Needless to say I am SUPER discouraged, I miss the day Nikki and I were planning to drive over to tiny town Bird City Kansas and quite possibly I won't get out in time to even go down at all. The only way I can still make this trip is if I can somehow make this stay a 10 day one and get out the 20th, if they insist on keeping me the full 14, Nikki is just going to have to go to Kansas without me. Then, something amazing happens, as fast as the flu hit me, it seems to go away and I have a good deal of energy back. Yesterday I went from 50% mask to 6L nasal canula, to 5L, to 4L, then I finished off the day at 3L!!!!!!! One more liter to go til I am back at where I was before this crazy flu!! I am suuuper excited. That is a very good sign I can beg and plead my way into a 10 day stay because my body is starting to do so well. (Well for me at least). And that means Christmas with the Johnsons!!! I can't wait! I've never had a Christmas away from home, but spending it with my soon to be in~laws is going to be a blast. I thank everyone who has taken the time to read this and those that have/will leave comments. Its always nice when someone takes the time out just to let me know they care. I need to do that myself more often. I'd also like to thank those who have started blogs themselves and inspired me to make one. I love, and greatly appreciate you all. More blogs to come, so stay tuned! =)  God Bless.


Wednesday, December 15, 2010

New Blog!

Well, I did it. I finally made a blog. Now the trick is to see how often I write in it. I'll keep this first one nice and short. Over the years I've collected a few of my favorite quotes, now this list isn't a complete one. It just happens to be the ones that have made it onto my computer. Check a few of them out if you'd like.


On the trail of life, even the best hikers slip from time to time.

When you’re drowning in despair, stand up, it’s not as deep as you think it is.
Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles, but today of its strength.

A diamond is just a lump of coal made good under pressure.

Failure only happens once you give up.

Love the person you are today enough to become the person you want to be tomorrow.

You can’t make a big splash without first jumping in.

Disability is only a state of mind.

Love may hurt, but not loving is torture.

Cherish the happy moments they only come so often.

Courage is getting up every morning; Bravery is getting up a different way.

The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. –Eleanor Roosevelt

You control your own destiny.

Be thankful for everything.

Happiness is not a life without pain, but rather a life in which the pain is traded for a worthy price.

If winter comes can spring be far behind?

Be kind; remember everyone is fighting a hard battle.

We can’t put our faults behind us until we face them.

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

Worry never fixes anything.

Happiness is activity.

It is better to light a candle than curse in the darkness.

A kiss without love is like a pretzel without any salt.      

Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
And some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet,
Just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good
Incase you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be
Recalled by their maker.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply be kind to others.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,
Because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well.
Just get up and dance.
Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

The second mouse gets the cheese.

When everything's coming your way,
You're in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you.
The more you have, the longer you live.

You may be only one person in the world,
But you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

“One life on this earth is all that we get, whether it is enough or not enough, and the obvious conclusion would seem to be that at the very least we are fools if we do not live it as fully and bravely and beautifully as we can.” - Frederick Buechne

Hopefully I can keep this up and learn to express myself through this page. Thank you.